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Archive For 'February, 2013'

UBMHC 4th XI Vs. Robinsons B

24 February 2013 at 22:33

 

The year was AD 2013. It all began on a cold and grey day at Fortress Dingle, light flakes of snow drifted onto the strategic fortifications. Tension was in the air as Robinsons lined up their horde of men, ready for the assault. We had suffered a crushing defeat to them, similar to that of the roman army in Teutoburg Forest in AD 9, a few weeks prior and were not prepared to allow them the satisfaction of beating us again. With their underserved victory they were expecting an easy conquest.

 

As Nicholus Decimus Lawsonus bellowed “hold the line! Stay with me! Brothers, what we do in life….echoes for eternity” we felt the fire in our hearts ignite and courage was brought to our sticks.

 

The onslaught began, the Robinsons horde advanced with the menace of Hannibal through the Alps. But we had tackled this team before and our defensive line held. Ruxtonus catapulted balls over our defensive ranks deep into the enemy line with tremendous effect. Willus Hughus provided surging charges that flanked their positions and left them defenceless. We had managed to confront their initial attacks, but there was still much work to do and the day was not yet over.

 

Our vanguard could not capitalise on the opportunities we had to obliterate their defences. Although at one point Maximus skilfully swept aside challengers and just before dispatching a defender uttered the words “the frost, it sometimes makes the stick…..stick”.

The strenuous work was tiring us out but thankfully we made good use of our fresh reserves who allowed us to take a breath. Matalanus and Alius displayed some impressive stick work and made sure the line was held. Alas, the Robinsons horde made a desperate surge to regain a commanding position and unfortunately thrust a spear into our chances of victory with a goal. Our replacement rear-guard, MJus, was left defenceless and could do little stop the balance changing in their favour.

 

Both armies retreated for a while to regain their strength and discuss renewed tactics. Lawsonus encouraged us further with words that “three weeks from now, I will be harvesting my crops. Imagine where you will be, and it will be so”. Slightly confused we took these words to heart and made sure to regain a foothold in this battle.

 

The second half of the conflict began with good defensive tactics being exemplified by Deeyamus. We could build from this and launch an offensive. Their lines where broken and Marrowus was left in a clearing with the opportunity to change the tides of the battle. He swung his stick and knocked the enemy down with a first time blow. He then proceeded to shout out “Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?”. You can safely say they were not entertained and they were not here to be thwarted. They replied with unrefined techniques and used their tools to hack and slash at our men with the hopes of ending the battle. Initially, we were able to defend against such tactics but as the day wore on our men were tiring and we were suffering casualties. I myself was hacked in the arm and the limb was severed, which possibly explains my desperate performance. Nonetheless, we battled on but the onslaught had taken its toll and our scouts missed their advanced party sneaking behind our ranks and slipping the tide of the battle back in their favour.

 

Heartbroken and wounded we tried our best to hold on to what we had. All was not lost however as our efforts were rewarded when we caught them off-guard basking in their apparent glory. Willus Gillus saw a window of opportunity to once again set the conflict on a level battlefield. He took it and it was a stalemate once more.

 

The horde launched a few last desperate offensives in the hope of winning the day as they had done a few weeks before. But it was not to be. Our defensive line held and even though I fell over, a fall which would have put the fall of Rome to shame, we prevailed and held our own. The day was over and we had withstood the enemy assaults leaving the final “score” at 2-2.

 

Once the war horns had ceased blowing Lawsonus turned his back to his rivals with uproar, only to turn back around and say “My name is Nicholus Decimus Lawsonus, captain of the 4XI, loyal servant to the true emperor Mattus Pooleus. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this season or the next”

 

The night of celebrations began and feasting and consuming started. In his delight at having battled well at rear-guard MJus turned is chariot toward “The Swan”, only to be reined in my Lawsonus and told that the post battle talks were to take place in the fortress itself. A feat worthy of DoD but Lawsonus vetoed the notion. In the end it was a well-deserved result and we shall be prepared for any future encounters.

 

MoM= Will Hughes

DoD = Crispin Kenney

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Crispin

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UBMHC 4th XI Vs. Devizes

24 February 2013 at 22:31

UBMHC 4th XI vs. Devizes

Saturday 16th February 2013

After an early meet at the union, we embarked on what was surely one of the most underwhelming matches to play in at Devizes. Their team consisted of angry middle aged men, and what appeared to be a twelve year old boy. There was a danger we may have underestimated our opponents, as shown by Michael Jones deciding that playing shorts wouldn't even be necessary. Regardless he carried on in spare hotpants he had left in his stick bag.

Bristol started the game at some pace during the first 10 minutes, and were unlucky not to make anything of all the possession. There was slick passing round the back of defence by Will Richardson and Deeyam Patel, owed mainly to the fact their forwards stuck so religiously to their half court press they refused to tackle anyone even a metre outside of their half. We were indebted to Spag Bolton for a fine save off their first short corner, but any optimism was soon dashed by a consistent stream of goals from the opposition.

The first goal conceded was a sloppy short corner arguably against the run of play, which they somehow managed to scramble into the back of the net. It was quite possibly an own goal from Deeyam, but this fact failed to be brought up at match teas. Their second and third goals also came from short corners, and we never really got into the game there after. Pete Elworthy, aka. Inspector Gadget, led a spirited fightback breaking forward from midfield. He could only be stopped by foul means from their number 15, bringing him down cynically. Alex Goodliff decided revenge was the only option and in turn brought down said player, but much less subtly. This earned him a frankly generous green card and dick of the day. Tempers started to flare, and MJ was also awarded a green after arguing too forcefully the laws of physics with the umpire after a dubious short corner decision - "There is literally no way the ball could have possibly hit his foot through his stick."

Will Hughes persevered honourably down the right flank, with a series of skill full dribbles rightly earning him man of the match. However an inexplicable mistake from Jack Howarth let them in for a killer fourth and final goal, leaving us with a crushing 4-0 defeat. The 4th XI look forward to a potentially easier game against the goalless Southampton Solent on wednesday, hoping to protect Captain Lawson from his 'top-of-the-league or death' claim.

Yours,

Alex Goodliff

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Robbies vs Britol Uni A at Badminton School

14 February 2013 at 16:17

The first half of what was looking like it might develop into a very dissapointing season was rounded off with a short trip to play local rivals Robbies at Badminton School.

The team knew they really had to get 3 points out of this game to give them any realistic chance of survival going into the second half of the season.

It was a bitterly cold day and it was not clear how this would affect either teams desire to play good hockey and commit fully to the game. But it soon became evident that both teams were up for the game as two intense warm ups got under way.

Following a classically rousing teamtalk from stand in captain Samuels, Bristol roared into action taking the game to Robbies from the outset. Bristol looked to play with a fast tempo and allow the ball to do the work using every inch of the pitch whilst Robbies resorted to their usual less glamorous approach of a more physical game, forcing the ball through the middle.

The differnece in styles soon became obvious and Bristol soon took the lead, which they continued to press home with another goal shortly after. 

Following the opening salvo on the Robbies goal from Bristol the game stagnated somewhat until half time.

After half time, the two teams came out hammer and tongze, seeming intent on kicking numerous shades of excrement out of each other and the game payed the price. As did the umpire with whomn the responsibility of sorting out the mess in front of them fell.

The second half was much more even and Robbies at times looked like they might get back into it as they threw the kitchen sink at Bristol, but it was to no avail as the game finished 4-2 to Bristol. A hard fought win for Bristol who will have taken much from the fact they managed to dig in and grind out a win for the first time on a saturday this year. 

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Bristol Uni A vs Batch Buccs B

14 February 2013 at 15:57

So, following the Georgian Calandar, on the twenty-seventh of the tenth month of the year two thousand and twelve Anno Domini at Coombe Dingle Sports Complex in the belov’d city of Bristol there was a lot of hockeying and wockeying occurring. This is the story of one of those games, one of the proper ones. You shall hear no more about wockey unless it serves to highlight the vast difference between said ‘sport’ and what all wockeyers (wockiers?) strive and gloriously fail to be: of course, a hockeyer. (Hockier?)Bristol met and their usual cheeriness and good natured chat was soon in full flow unperturbed by the prospect of giddying around on ‘the shit pitch’ again. Still, a point had been hard won on this very surface (remember, that game with the  75+ metres goal) and Bristol knew another solid performance could very well result in not just one but three of these glorious, glowing points being metaphorically banded around and warming the hands and hearts of all that they encounter during post-match teas like the sweet symbols of a ‘job-done-good’ that they are. Unfortunately, as the game started Bristol seemed to be dreaming of their (all be it outstanding) post-match chomp / what intricate shades of grey the sky was / why did Louis give up that gig as the plaster bust on Art Attack. Useless thoughts all of them – it’s well known that UBMHC’s tea are so wonderful that simply imagining them will never satisfactorily capture their all-encompassing culinary delight and that Louis was ‘asked to leave’ Art Attack after a rather unsavoury incident http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vkQku_WTUU . To be fair, the greys in the skyline that day were unusual but I’ll leave you to judge for yourselves Nuttal’s comments that they:  ‘really drag me in and make me feel I need to paint, in water colour’.  For the above mentioned reasons Bristol started the game nervously. Indeed, these nerves seemed to persist throughout the game and prevent Bristol from turning out the sort of performance they are capable of. There were some goals scored, more for them than for us, and some cards shown, about equal for both sides despite the game being amicable and good spirited. An enduring memory from the game was that the umpires had ear pieces. This kind of top-notch-tech immediately set them out from the start as two bloody good umps who really knew their stuff.  By the end of the game neither team was left untouched by the quality and accuracy of their decisions and all players (most likely all spectators too) felt humbled at being part of their beautiful and insightful vision of how to umpire a game of hockey. Truly, special. Bristol got a goal: Jack Vellacott danced, twitched, turned, sprung, deceived, flattered to deceive, pushed, probed and prodded before deceiving again and scoring. Quite remarkable everyone remarked. At the other end of the pitch Freddie Goddard Jnr. was outstanding and deservedly picked up MotM. Seemingly unmoved by the grey skies over-head, content to wait for the post-match grub and, because of a massive aversion to Neil Buchanan, being blissfully ignorant of the Art Attack debacle that led to Louis parting company with the show the Bristol keeper was focused and in truly fine form pulling off a string of impressive saves as well as marshalling his defence well.

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Bristol Uni A vs Cardiff and UWIC

14 February 2013 at 15:52

As time passes, memory can fade. As such, owing to the somewhat late nature of this match report, I make no guarantee of its accuracy or relevance to the actual game between these two sides. Thankfully, I can at least guarantee that the score was right thanks to the internet.After a difficult start to the season Bristol faced up against a newly promoted UWIC team with an impressive track record behind them on the shitty sand based at Dingle.  Credit should go to the UWIC side who, lead by a couple of solid heffalumps at the back, were strong throughout their ranks and played with a confidence and belief that falls readily into the laps of in-form sides, a mindset and momentum that teams in Bristol’s position must work hard to achieve.Despite my detailed recollection of this match fading faster than George Brown’ s erection I can still speculate with some confidence as to the happenings of the game.....We probably had periods where we were well in the game.Our lapses of concentration and poor decision making inevitably let us down at times.Summers made the game sound simple as.I probably got spoken to by the umpire and subsequently by Will.Remy is likely to have done the same.Fresher Kyle probably didn’t do anything.Chances are Sleath didn’t manage to pull off an optimistic upright reverse hit which he’d got spot on in training the night before.Vellacott or Rob will have scored our goal. Gamble played his part in delivering a ring of unspeakable evil back to the fire from whence it was forged.Paris recoiled into the shadow of his brother.Nuttall almost definitely did something idiotic, reminding us why we all #hatenuttallAnd Rhys will have been there too.
So a lot to take from a tough game against UWIC. They’ll probably end up towards the top of the table, and this result was not one to get too down about.Going forward we’ve got a must win game against Bath Buccs Marlborough Gloucester City West Wilts coming up which we should focus our efforts on.

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Bristol Uni A vs Swansea City

14 February 2013 at 15:45

This was unprecedented territory for the 2s. For the first time this season they entered Saturday’s fixture having won the previous weekend, where, strangely, they had actually played quite well. It was an unusual feeling: it wasn’t quite one of confidence, but beginning a game without the expectancy of a crushing defeat was refreshingly pleasant.  Will Summer’s team talk contained marginally fewer “fucks” than previous outings, though his insistence on reminding the team on no fewer than eight occasions that “This is our pitch!!”, and doing so whilst become increasingly irate in tone, and bordering violent in physical expression, raised further questions as to this individual’s capacity to deal with the emotional burden of 2s captaincy. Unusual though his motivational efforts proved, their effects were surprisingly positive. Matt Shelley, whose performance in Exeter was one of the drabbest in our sport’s history, began the game with such ferocity and attacking expression that I actually stopped at one point to think, “Hmm, this guy isn’t actually all that shit.” Unfortunately, the same could not be said of Alex Gamble. Bristol’s most unusual looking forward began the game lethargically and, throughout, contributed very little, bar a back-post miss that was so bad I came extremely close to shitting myself for the second time in seven days. In recent weeks, speculative balls into the D have become Bristol’s speciality. It was no surprise, then, that with 5 minutes gone a ball crashed in by Dom Oliver brought the home side’s first short corner. Having made a discreet faux-pas in the build up to the game by forgetting his stick, Sam Woodhead went on to make good use of it by deceiving the goal-keeper admirably and putting Bristol one up. The remainder of the first-half panned out in fairly mundane fashion. Swansea showed little sign of breaking down Bristol’s defence, Dom received his customary yellow-card, and Si Gillespie ran around loads. Bristol’s work-rate throughout the game was first-class, and at no point was this more evident than at beginning of the second period. A man down, Bristol worked tirelessly and Swansea’s threat was reduced to throwing aerials and relying on the skills of a man with a green stick. Their aerials were dealt with easily by Louis Samuels and Will Summers and as for the man with the green stick, well he had Rich Nuttall to deal with. At no point did the universally despised Bristol player show any sign of being able to deal with his opponent; that is, before he attempted to dislodge the poor man’s kneecap, rendering the Swansea player ineffective for the remainder of the game, and confirming, as if proof was needed, that Nuttall is a nazi. Half-way through the second period, a Swansea short corner narrowly evaded an otherwise excellent Freddie Goddard and drew the away side level. Now, with a team this year that has shown about as much potential to bounce-back as a breezeblock, I can’t say I went into the remaining twenty minutes with anything other than an expectancy to get absolutely pumped. On cue, Swansea began to pour forward, creating several chances and Bristol were forced to rely on Goddard’s heroics to stay level. Then, with ten minutes to go, something quite remarkable happened. Bristol re-took the lead. In all seriousness, the 2s had not achieved this since about 2009 and it was a moment that shall hopefully define Bristol’s season. With Marlborough losing to Exeter, the 2s are no longer bottom of the Championship: given the quality of hockey they have displayed at times this season, this is a genuinely extraordinary feat. 

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UBMHC 4th XI Vs. West Wilts A

13 February 2013 at 09:52

I must first apologise for the severe delay to the publishing of this report, I know many have waited with baited breath, Rob Patterson so much so that he passed out last Wednesday. Due to the game being so long ago, probably around the time Ali Hales was receiving his first hip replacement, and one too many Wednesday socials means that I remember very little, so will be using a slight artistic licence.

This was truly a day for the minds of men to be tested, as the heavens truly opened and were caught in a blizzard. The temperature may have been cold but the play was hot, after a successful warm up of opening the gates, the strikers clearly saw their chance to open up the opposition. West Wilts were weighed, measured and found wanting as the team build upon its strong foundations in defence, with Matalan showing that not only could he provide high quality clothing at an affordable price, but a cool head, combined with some silky skills that has seen him progress like David Luiz into the midfield.

The first goal came after a scorching run up the field Ted Rowntree showing indiandribbling the likes of which has never been seen, talking on the entire right flank of this feeble opposition, only to squaerial it to Lawson on the right to reverse blade iton to the top right hand corner from the edge of the D. The team went wild displaying a well-rehearsed Macarena, with Deeyam’s hours of practice seeming to distract the opposition goalie, as it was soon 2-0. A well-drilled short corner, after hours of practice on the training pitch, saw MJ show the style of his namesake with a drag flick that proved too much for the keeper.

Despite the synergy clearly displayed as the defence passed it round the back picking holes in a press so poor it could be described as the Daily Mail. The weather started to take its toll as an ill prepared Rhys, soaked to the bone got it wrong on so many occasions. As the white powder fell all around Lawson showed great captaincy in checking the weather before choosing Ben ‘it’s not a gateway drug’ Steel. The wise head Ali Hales even succumbed to brain freeze and in a flash of madness showed his fiery character by brutally attacking Deeyam with a ball to the face. With so much controversy with racism in football, I just hope this is a one off and with a shake of the hands at the end of the game I can only assume it is.

There was a third goal, dunno who scored it. The 4s were high and dry the defence became midfield, midfield strikers and MJ headed off to Yoyo burger for an early celebration. But the game was not over a skilful run down the left from Wilts saw the ball driven in, workhorse Grimshaw got a deflection sending the ball high into the sky and fell back the ground with such speed it buried itself deep in my pads, with furious effort to remove it dropped. Creeping slowly to the goal line at 0.236 mph time slowed down, I reached my stick…. And stopped the ball just before it crossed the line, only for a clearly jealous Freddie Goddard to give the goal. With the wind in their sails the opposition drove on to a second. At all panic station the team found another gear and who else but Yoda himself to Jedi it in of Jonny Barton ball rocket in. 4-2 didn’t last long as a well worked goal from Wilts lead to a bum twitching last 5 minutes. The final whistle blew and the 4s had won but this game would always be a reminder to never turn you back on a wounded lion.

apologise for any decencies in this report, but frankly Ali Hales should of written it anyway, bloody extra thick plastic cup.

MoM-?      

 

Disclaimer: The information detailed above is an artistic interpretation of the games events. Some or all of the proceedings may have occurred differently… As many of you may have guessed, Lawson did not score. Rhys did not play. Ali Smith got 2, as did Bend-It-Like-Haywood. MoM – Max Haywood. DoD – Charlie Bolton.

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UBMHC 4th XI Vs. West Wilts A

13 February 2013 at 09:52

I must first apologise for the severe delay to the publishing of this report, I know many have waited with baited breath, Rob Patterson so much so that he passed out last Wednesday. Due to the game being so long ago, probably around the time Ali Hales was receiving his first hip replacement, and one too many Wednesday socials means that I remember very little, so will be using a slight artistic licence.

This was truly a day for the minds of men to be tested, as the heavens truly opened and were caught in a blizzard. The temperature may have been cold but the play was hot, after a successful warm up of opening the gates, the strikers clearly saw their chance to open up the opposition. West Wilts were weighed, measured and found wanting as the team build upon its strong foundations in defence, with Matalan showing that not only could he provide high quality clothing at an affordable price, but a cool head, combined with some silky skills that has seen him progress like David Luiz into the midfield.

The first goal came after a scorching run up the field Ted Rowntree showing indiandribbling the likes of which has never been seen, talking on the entire right flank of this feeble opposition, only to squaerial it to Lawson on the right to reverse blade iton to the top right hand corner from the edge of the D. The team went wild displaying a well-rehearsed Macarena, with Deeyam’s hours of practice seeming to distract the opposition goalie, as it was soon 2-0. A well-drilled short corner, after hours of practice on the training pitch, saw MJ show the style of his namesake with a drag flick that proved too much for the keeper.

Despite the synergy clearly displayed as the defence passed it round the back picking holes in a press so poor it could be described as the Daily Mail. The weather started to take its toll as an ill prepared Rhys, soaked to the bone got it wrong on so many occasions. As the white powder fell all around Lawson showed great captaincy in checking the weather before choosing Ben ‘it’s not a gateway drug’ Steel. The wise head Ali Hales even succumbed to brain freeze and in a flash of madness showed his fiery character by brutally attacking Deeyam with a ball to the face. With so much controversy with racism in football, I just hope this is a one off and with a shake of the hands at the end of the game I can only assume it is.

There was a third goal, dunno who scored it. The 4s were high and dry the defence became midfield, midfield strikers and MJ headed off to Yoyo burger for an early celebration. But the game was not over a skilful run down the left from Wilts saw the ball driven in, workhorse Grimshaw got a deflection sending the ball high into the sky and fell back the ground with such speed it buried itself deep in my pads, with furious effort to remove it dropped. Creeping slowly to the goal line at 0.236 mph time slowed down, I reached my stick…. And stopped the ball just before it crossed the line, only for a clearly jealous Freddie Goddard to give the goal. With the wind in their sails the opposition drove on to a second. At all panic station the team found another gear and who else but Yoda himself to Jedi it in of Jonny Barton ball rocket in. 4-2 didn’t last long as a well worked goal from Wilts lead to a bum twitching last 5 minutes. The final whistle blew and the 4s had won but this game would always be a reminder to never turn you back on a wounded lion.

apologise for any decencies in this report, but frankly Ali Hales should of written it anyway, bloody extra thick plastic cup.

MoM-?      

 

Disclaimer: The information detailed above is an artistic interpretation of the games events. Some or all of the proceedings may have occurred differently… As many of you may have guessed, Lawson did not score. Rhys did not play. Ali Smith got 2, as did Bend-It-Like-Haywood. MoM – Max Haywood. DoD – Charlie Bolton.

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UBMHC 4th XI Vs. Swindon A

13 February 2013 at 09:50

After a hard fought but in no way pretty victory over UWE onwednesday, thanks to my second goal in two games#goalscoringmidfielder, we were all in a confident mood that another win could be ground out against swindon in theiroffensively orange kit.

 

We got off to a very good start, something that cannot be said for most of our games, and were able to go 1-0 up after a textbook deflection from Max Haywood. The game continued in a very scrappy fashion with minimal chances for both teams until Hickey found some pace from somewhere and was able to set me up with a shot on goal from the edgeof the D. Now, having failed to be able to make the simple journey from Cheltenham to Bristol, ending up in Newport instead, i really should have known that this was not going to be a good weekend. It should then have come as no surprise to me that i completely missed the ball and became the laughing stock of the whole hockey pitch.

 

Lucky however for me we were able to hold out for an ugly1-0 win in what Grimmy described as a very stoke city esquestyle (take note Marrow). Mentions must also be made to fresher Spag Bol who made some outstanding saves that warranted his award of man of the match, whilst Matt King was lucky not to receive my award of DOD after being found to have what can only be described as a 'wicker basket' on his bike.

 

Anyway, this was a very important win for us as it moved us from the foot of the table, somewhere where we must continue to stay if we are to avoid a relegation dogfight.

 

MoMSpag bol

 

DoDMikey Farquhar

 

Yours,

 

Mikey Farquhar

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UBMHC 4th XI Vs. Swindon A

13 February 2013 at 09:50

After a hard fought but in no way pretty victory over UWE onwednesday, thanks to my second goal in two games#goalscoringmidfielder, we were all in a confident mood that another win could be ground out against swindon in theiroffensively orange kit.

 

We got off to a very good start, something that cannot be said for most of our games, and were able to go 1-0 up after a textbook deflection from Max Haywood. The game continued in a very scrappy fashion with minimal chances for both teams until Hickey found some pace from somewhere and was able to set me up with a shot on goal from the edgeof the D. Now, having failed to be able to make the simple journey from Cheltenham to Bristol, ending up in Newport instead, i really should have known that this was not going to be a good weekend. It should then have come as no surprise to me that i completely missed the ball and became the laughing stock of the whole hockey pitch.

 

Lucky however for me we were able to hold out for an ugly1-0 win in what Grimmy described as a very stoke city esquestyle (take note Marrow). Mentions must also be made to fresher Spag Bol who made some outstanding saves that warranted his award of man of the match, whilst Matt King was lucky not to receive my award of DOD after being found to have what can only be described as a 'wicker basket' on his bike.

 

Anyway, this was a very important win for us as it moved us from the foot of the table, somewhere where we must continue to stay if we are to avoid a relegation dogfight.

 

MoMSpag bol

 

DoDMikey Farquhar

 

Yours,

 

Mikey Farquhar

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