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Archive For 'March, 2013'

4s finish with a draw, but a momentous report ensues

18 March 2013 at 16:26

Bristol 4s versus Swindon


A bright sun rose over Bristol this fair morning, much to the malign of the drivers who hadn’t packed sunglasses for our voyage down the M4 to the hallowed turfs of Isembard Community School in the playful toy towns of Swindon, birthplace of Billie Piper, actress and former pop singer and Melinda Messenger, former glamour model and television presenter[1].

This day saw the final reckoning of one ‘Elliot Poppycock’, better known as Nick Lawson, after 4 glorious years flying the banner for the UBMHC. To say this was a tearless affair for the fourth eleven in itself would be a lie. After a small scale debacle involving both Jonny Barton and Will Richardson and their cars, we arrived late at the aforementioned turfs to be greeted with a blinding wall of orange as Swindon had already descended onto the pitch into a warm up, leaving us in a wake of tardiness and regret.

We warmed ourselves for this final hurrah under the guidance of the new 4th XI JohnSoc captain one ‘Jack’ Howarth, who despite being given such a prestigious title has still been unable to reclaim his former name. In a show of pride our very esteemed current leader demanded to lead the high kicks to finish the warm up off, as well as his UBMHC warm-up career.

With an emotional pre-match speech and rousing ‘sticks-in’ we began the final duel. Two teams looking at relegation would seem to provide an engaging, ferocious match, however, from the offset Bristol dominated with a constant spray of balls into the D, only for the attempted deflections to be denied by the keeper, put wide of goal, or not have enough ball pace to actually make it over the stick. This pressure continued despite some very questionable decisions from the umpires as a result of their dubious grasp of the rules of hockey, leading them to believe that the foot is in fact a playable part of the body, especially when being a defender in your own D. This pressure resulted in a fantastic bit of personal skill from Mikey Farquhar, leading him to beat a several players then release a shot on goal that was too much for the keeper to save cleanly and thus enabled Michael Jones to pounce and put the ball over the line despite coming off the back of his stick (one of only two decisions the umpires put in our favour over the course of the game).

From the side-line it seemed as if Bristol were stooping to the level of their opponents with increasingly slow ball pace and lack of drive, maybe as a result of the constant demoralisation from the umpires’ decisions. Neverthless, the lead carried on until half time where Lawson roused the troops for one last half time talk. Intensity carried on as the second half began with several penetrative runs from Will Hughes from the back, and many more chances on goal in the early stages, but it seemed as if the umpires were making their very best efforts to ensure that not a single decision were to go our way to the extent where the cards started coming out for frankly trivial reasons. The most notable of these was Michael Grimshaw’s straight yellow for swearing in personal outrage that our very own defence had a let a 1 on 1 occur, a bizarre decision indeed.  Other queer decisions include Howarth who received a green for being 10 yards away from a player yet the umpire still decided he wasn’t 5, Will Hughes for literally no more than asking the umpire what he had been called up on, and myself for questioning the umpires decision that I should ‘fight back’ if a Swindon player decides to shove me off the ball. Needless to say that the umpiring was a cause for huge outrage in this game and is something that effected the quality of what was meant to be an enjoyable last competitive game for several of the older players in the team.

Rant over, it is time we got back to the game. After hearing cries of ‘we’re not playing the normal press’ from the Swindon team to each other, it became clear that these guys were out there with the sole intention of playing anti-hockey in order to prevent us from getting a result, another leg on the centipede of anti-Student hockey. This resulted in us playing an awfully high press, characterised by our centre back Deeyam playing higher than midfielder Jonny Barton, and resulted in an instance of smart hockey from Swindon leading to a 1 on 1 between their centre forward and Bolton who unfortunately couldn’t deny them a goal. I think its fair to say we dominated the final stages of the game with Deeyam Patel hitting the post (why on earth he was playing that high don’t ask me), I actually partook in some running (never again), Lawson wore a ball to the knee, and I bled everywhere.

All in all a disappointing result for the team, be it caused by the umpiring or our own motivation for win, but nevertheless it concludes a highly enjoyable season for the 4th XI, and one which contains instances of hockey which forever we will remember as being great displays of what we could do when we set our minds to it (I’m talking 3-0 down to 3-3 against Marlborough, 2-2 Draw with Robinsons with a celebrity guest appearance in goal from yours truly), coming within twenty seconds of promotion on a Wednesday, and some very very enjoyable match teas).

The story does not end here however, as although Saturday saw a loss and certain relegation for the 4th XI, it also saw the UBMHC’s finest hit Swindon, a tale of epic proportions in itself.

Still somewhat bitter about the result we returned to our cars with eager anticipation of what match teas might entail but we were unaware of the momentous struggle that would occur in order to reach them. Memories of fixtures in years gone by reappeared in the heads of various Johns, yet this  wasn’t enough for the glorious vehicle led by one Michael Jones, who ended up lost on a council estate of sorts in the middle of nowhere, leaving him fearing for his life in the company of Dr. Hughes, Mikey Fuck You Har Har and Fresher Goodliff. After engaging with a group of fourteen year old girls (his methods remain unquestioned), M. Farquhar managed to find some directions to the Abbey Mead Tavern where we would finally gorge our post match appetities.

Upon arrival we found that rump steaks were only £3.99, something that led many team members questioning the potential scale of what we may be to receive. Upon  further exploration of the menu by William Richardson it became clear that there was a variety of foodstuffs that had never crossed the mind of any sane man awaiting teas, yet these were to remain unfounded as bowls of chilli con carne and chips soon emerged from the kitchen, much to the malign of Deeyam Patel, a staunch opponent of beef based products [2]. It was here we began the voting of both MoM and DoD, the tale of why I am sat here now writing this tome of Bristol hockey. Notable stories from the match were thrown around, including:

·         Michael Grimshaw being sent

·         Me bleeding more heavily than an on the blob member of the UBLHC

·         John Howarth receiving a card

·         Charlie Bolton for not touching the ball all game and then conceding a goal

·         Will Richardson for believing that meet time was 12:30, and that it definitely wasn’t the time for pushback

With these anecdotes in our minds and winds in our sails we began voting, with myself taking an early lead for what must be at least the 7th time this season, despite scoring my first goal in Saturday league earlier that day. The neighbouring Tesco led to whispers of ‘an interesting nail-off’, with the £3 meal deal being thrown around thus giving an opportunity for the unfortunates to show their prowess at both nailing, and choosing their weapons of choice for the face-off. Votes carried on around the table and the recent trend of enforced nail-offs soon emerged with tactical votes for both myself and Grimshaw which resulted in us facing each other for the final time this season in a battle of wit, the ability to nail small fruits, and a quest for eternal glory.

Now that our fates were sealed, myself and Grimshaw ventured over to Tesco to arm ourselves for the impending challenge. I immediately hit the salad section, an unbelievable sight in itself, I know, with dreams of a prawn layered salad. Grimshaw drew the ham and cheese baguette of conquer. It was then we found ourselves face to face in the fruit aisle, both opting for the grape bag option in attempt to obtain vitamins whilst searching for never-ending magnificence. The choice of beverage now awaited us with both parties opting for milk of the flavoured variety with myself opting for chocolate whilst Grimshaw flaunted his feminine side with the floral coloured strawberry.

Rain lashed down as we gathered underneath that faithful veranda that laid host to this momentous occasion. We can only imagine that the heavens opened us to bathe us whilst the Gods looked on in despair and amazement, wondering what creatures would engage in such a challenge.

Cries of ‘threeeeee, twoooooooo, oneeeeeee’ echoed around Abbey Mead as the crowds gathered to watch the race unfold. Bread, ham and cheese flew everywhere as Grimshaw rammed the doughy baton down his throat in attempt to take an early lead, whereas I remained cool and collected whilst forking a mixture of prawn, Marie Rose sauce and pasta down my gullet [3]. It remained level as Grimshaw began picking up the remnants of his sandwich off the floor; a strict no spillage rule was in force. I then ditched the salad with views to carry it on later after I had despatched my milk and grapes, and despatched them I did. In a flurry of dairy based products and vitis labrusca I found myself back on the salad. I had established a lead, but I now find myself reach the carroty pit of anguish that lies at the bottom of a prawn layered salad and proves to be a challenge of epic proportions to any competitive eater. It was this that proved too much as Grimshaw dispatched his baguette, grapes and milk in a clinical fashion, giving him victory and confining me to this match report.

The story does not end here however, as following this momentous occasion that troops then rallied at McJohnalds for a second bout of teas and for a round of Saturday league Shakie B™. Upon arrival at this fine establishment it turned out that the refreshments machine was broken, meaning no other beverage options were available other than Shakie Bs™ and that we had a widescale race on our hands. Post-race the executive decision was made to play several rounds of sardines in the industrial sized ASDA located on the other side of the retail park, with yours truly leading the first round as Dick of the Day.

I made my way tentatively around ASDA[5]. I had heard of this wondrous place and its endless aisles and corners. I called Lawson, “The sardine is in the tin, I repeat, the sardine is in the tin”. Do I go for the womens section, and camouflage myself in its multitude of displays? Do I hit white goods and hide in a fridge? Do I brave the cold and reside in the freezer section? All of these options became too much for me and before I knew it I was overwhelmed by a sea of red, white and black as I was cornered in the microwave section. This first round was a smorgasbord of disappointment for me, so I begged for another opportunity and relish it I did. I decided to hideout in international foods, taking the initiative that the white middle class nature of the 4th XI would lead them to steering clear of it in fear. First it was Howarth, then Bolton, Goodliff and King and then before I knew it I was overran. In a somewhat supernatural turn of events, it had been the case that the entire time I had been in the sardine section, an unnerving coincidence that led to the decision that Charlie Bolton, the man with no shame, should now become the sardine. What had we let ourselves in for? Twenty minutes of searching ensued, with snapchats from Lawson, Hughes, and Jones with his newly acquired iPhone. New profile pictures were made, Richardson developed an penchant for women’s clothing, I actually found some hiding places for the next round. Taunting tweets were sent by Bolton, ‘I see you #stealth’, ‘Found some friends #hiding’, and this set the case for us. My eyes met with Richardson from across the aisles, we both knew our target. I ducked and dived between oblivious shoppers and their trolleys as I flung myself towards my destination, but it was not to be. Upon arrival I was greeted by a member of the security team, who apparently had an allergy to fun, and the game was called to a halt. From the end of the seafood aisle I spied Lawson and Richardson once more as they desperately made their way through an un-ending ocean of shoppers, colliding with trolleys, freezers and toddlers.

The 4th XI regrettably made their way out of ASDA, upset over the early end to their enjoyable afternoon and after a number-off we established we had all players covered, and none had lost themselves in the labyrinth that is ASDA. It was at this point we discovered that in Richardson’s haste to get involved with this great game, he had in fact ditched his attempts to find a legal parking space and had made an attempt at parking in the disabled bay. This joyous story soon turned sour as it emerged that he had received a parking ticket for this offence, adding a £60 fine to his afternoon of tumultuous fun.

It is now that I must sadly depart, as my studies call me from this tome to engage in some aviation related matter. This has been a fantastic season and enjoyed by all who partook in it, but could not have been the same without the leadership of Nick Lawson, who, even though we have now been relegated and took some undeserved losses on the way, ensured that everyone enjoyed themselves and that he provided a welcoming environment in which to participate in this fair sport. From myself and the whole of the team I say thank you, and may this tome of hockey be a homeage to your joyous reign.


Michael William Gordon Jones, Centre Forward


#4thXIhitSwindon #endofseasonblowout










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Own goal gives Bristol famous away victory

16 March 2013 at 21:20

Exeter Uni A 1 - 2 Bristol Uni 1st XI


The Bristol team, re-joined with skipper George Brown at the airport, after he had casually taken the week of to go skiing, travelled to the, then, top of the table, Exeter in an attempt to continue their push for third place and the illusive 40 point mark.


The game was due to be a difficult one and as the team settled down for the team talk the mood was tense and rather serious. Sensing this tension as being a potential confidence knock for the inexperienced freshers among the team, Matt Poole made some clever jokes related to the number of subs on the bench, to lighten the mood. Much to the delight and expectation of the Club Captain, all the players in the changing room fell for his trick gag, hook line and sinker.


The game began and the team looked sluggish.. A combination of George Brown failing to pass off his attacker (references to social spring to mind) to Archie, lead to an early goal to the home side. Unfortunately none of the blame can go to George as stubborn Archie had ample time to get to the defender but refused to mark because ‘George kept telling me to.’


The team continued to perform inadequately and only through some spectacular saves from Jack Gardner did they manage to hold on. Up until this point Matt Poole had been battling hard to raise the intensity and passion of the game. This was proving difficult and as such Matt Poole selflessly sacrificed the integrity of his own game and strategically won two green cards to get the spirits of the team rising.


This obviously worked because after half time the team came out a fresh and within he first ten minutes we had equalised from Dave Bates and his criminal Shlid (see figure 1).  The game remained fairly tight for the rest of the game and in one last ditch effort to improve the team’s performance Matt secured another green card.  However being Matt Poole, he cleverly negotiated with the umpire and persuaded him to up the ante and give the midfield Bristolian a yellow. This really stuck it to the opposition as shortly after an own goal put the flag ship ahead.


The game was deadly tight for the remaining minutes and as nerves swept in Arthur Mitchell, with no regard for either his team mates or the score line made hideous challenge and got given a yellow card. Needless to say the 4th year forward along with Gillespie who had also received a green card in the latter stages of the game, was given a severe dressing down after the game by role model Matt Poole, for nearly costing us the game. With the final minutes on the clock slowly depreciating, Exeter had a flurry of short corners that Jack and his close nit defence denied.


Final whistle and the boys from Bristol had won. Happy was on hand to take some photos and Eugene pissed in the shower. Merriment and fun where expected for all in the clubhouse afterwards, however this time was cut short as Archie wanted to get home to ‘not’ skype Iola and so obviously we were all expected to leave.

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Bristol thrash Plymouth to confirm 3rd place

16 March 2013 at 21:18

Bristol Uni 6 - 2 Plymjohn Marjohns


‘Plymouth’ – A Sonnet


At Fortress Dingle did the game take place,

A cold and wintry day to set the scene,

The other team began with greater pace,

As if Bristol were nowhere to be seen.

When one-nil down we kept our heads held high,

We battled on and scored another six,

With three from Arthur, Elston’s was sublime,

Eugene and Ricky made them look like dicks.

Nothing embarrassing happened at all -

All aerials and passes were spot on,

And though they may have scored another goal,

The end result was already foregone.

A win for us was almost guaranteed;

We are the boys from UBMHC.

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Bristol relegated....Jokes, we beat top of the league to stay up

11 March 2013 at 21:42

Men’s 1st XI vs. Bath Uni 1st XI


Result: 3-1 (W)



The last BUCS game of the 12/13 season for Bristol 1st XI can be compared to but a few momentous events in the course of mankind’s history. First there was Genghis Kahn’s defeat of the rebels at the Battle of Germaghah. Then the Battle of Castillon 1453 to end the Hundred Years War. The Battle of Waterloo 1815 saw Wellington defeat the French and now, in the year 2013, the mighty Bristol would face the wrath of Bath in a battle that must be won to avoid relegation. Not even a draw would suffice - victory was necessary.


The tension was palpable at Fortress Dingle. Bristol had mustered an enthusiastic crowd, much to the dismay of Bath number 21, whose chants and cheers and thirst for blood resembled that scene in Gladiator when all hell breaks loose. Before Christmas Bath had secured a 3-1 victory and were unbeaten all season, but Bristol were up to the challenge. They gathered early to prepare, and to make sure they could watch the wockey match beforehand for inspiration. The warm up went well, ball pace was high and the feelings of anxiety quickly turned to excitement as the adrenalin began to pump. Another stimulating team-talk from the skipper got the troops stirred up and ready for action, ok? The match had started. The battle had begun.


Bristol started solidly, focusing well on moving the ball - a tactic that has a successful history of achievement in the sport. Bath managed to string together a couple of attacks that would have looked ferocious in any other game, however came across as relatively feeble in the context of Bristol’s awesome defence, led by non-other than Colonel George Brown. Brown, Fresher Thorpe and Bomber Stirling looked comfortable in their transfer round the back, following Richard ‘Frodo’ Nuttall’s example. The midfield flowed like SnakieBs™ on a Wednesday, making strong leads and running the opposition ragged. Meanwhile upfront, a couple of promising chances made a Bristol goal seem imminent. Indeed, Bristol drew first blood with a cracking strike from Vanessa, much to the delight of the crowd. Continuous substitutions from Bristol meant that there was barely chance to draw breath. 1-0 was good, but there was plenty of time left.


Bristol managed to surprise everyone, including themselves, when they encountered a strange phenomenon that had been neither seen nor heard of for years gone by, the legend of the ‘short-corner’. A deft flick from Bolthouse sent to ball flying towards the bottom left, and the crowd went into delirium when the sound of ball on metal echoed across the fields, however this time it was not to be, as some excellent defending from the post saw the ball ricochet back out into the D and was swiftly cleared by a trembling Bath defence. Now that Bristol had realised the strength of this weapon, they knew that another short-corner would probably be quite a useful idea, and added it to their repertoire for later in the match.

Although Bristol were clearly the better side, they were not without errors. The elusive ‘first touch’ gave Bath chances they should not have had, and mercilessly took chances from Bristol which they should have had. On top of this, Bristol were briefly a man down when the Club Captain decided to try a new tactic by throwing his stick away, however this did not work. At all.


Bristol’s sheer presence on and off the ball (and pitch) meant Bath had a hard time keeping Bristol away from their goal. Sure enough, before the half-time whistle Ben ‘The Wonderboy’ Walter continued his top-form run of goals by securing another fantastic finish that left the Bath keeper in a bigger mess than Eugene’s bed after Stokey-B Bar Crawl. Half time score: Bristol 2 – Bath 0.


The excitement of the first half had to be contained, as complacency had crept into a number of Bristol’s previous matches and was known to be a dangerous threat. However with the coveted prize of ‘not being relegated’ at stake, the Bristol players summoned up all of their pride and integrity and managed to keep a cool head. The first 10 minutes of the second-half was crucial, as another goal from Bristol could see the game off, whereas a goal from Bath would put them right back in it. Despite a heavily praiseworthy performance from Megan in goal, Bath managed to sneak a goal back somehow. No one really knows how. Anyway, the nerves set in again and it was obvious from the sideline that a real struggle was taking place. Play began again and within a matter of minutes, Bristol remembered the weapon lurking in their armoury and decided to use it to strike back at Bath before they became too big for their boots. Another short-corner was won. A swiftly executed flick from Bolthouse again this time saw the back of the net, and with not long left on the clock Bristol could taste victory. The score was now 3-1.


As the final whistle blew, the Bristol players and crowd burst into jubilation and hugged each other in the least gay way possible. News from the other match that Exeter had beaten Oxford Brookes was, although thoroughly unsurprising, still exciting as it meant Bristol were staying up. Chants of WE ARE STAYING UP rang out in a manner reminiscent of Hereford vs Brighton Hove Albion in the 96/97 season. The champagne flowed and all rejoiced. The battle had been won.


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UBMHC double goal difference in record breaking 16-2 demolition

11 March 2013 at 21:34

Bristol 16-2 Whitchurch

In the corresponding away fixture we conceded 2 goals. A 16-2 home victory puts that 2-1 loss in perspective and provides the reason for the dramatic margin of victory the UBMHC 1XI secured. The forwards decided to score goals (unlike last time).

We turned up on the day and Blobby Wetcalf started to get abuse as usual for being a wet blanket and spending all his time with his bird; despite the fact he tried to cheat on her the previous Wednesday with the resident stalker of the team. She was last sighted muttering 'how could he do this to me?'

The warm-up was fairly pointless as it became apparent that if we had turned up 5 minutes late for the fixture we would have won 10-5. Our opponents were colossally useless and as Woody likes to describe Shelley 'shit at hockey'. Nevertheless we ploughed on and quickly established a comfortable goal margin of 6-0 at the half.

As usual we were all pumped up after George's pep talk that was short on inspiration but long on the staccato 'okay' we have all come to love. He implored for a clean sheet but luckily his hopes were dashed when a rather kind defender decided to give them a morale boost after we scored our 10th goal.
This defender soon left the park for a well-deserved rest when he spotted the biggest bottom in the western hemisphere plonked in a seat (Blobby Wetcalf) texting his beloved. It was I'm afraid to say that he could no longer 'make sweet tender love' this afternoon, as he had promised earlier that morning, due to his dodgy hammy. This was no great loss to the team as we soon wrapped up the game in great style without him.
Mention must go to Arthur Mitchell who managed to not pass the ball once during the game and Ben Walter who once again provided the proof that he is not in the team to score.

All in all it was a fine game that provided little physical for the boys apart from Wetcalf who looked as though his bulging hockey shirt could no longer contain his moobs and the gut that Gamble refers too as 'the big-one'.

Credit must go to Jack Gardener who wasn't there and so for once the team was not subject to a mental breakdown on the pitch.

This week the mighty men play Plymouth and Bath, which are two games that hopefully Blobby has got in shape for (unlikely as he was last seen scoffing McDonalds). However the mighty men are sure to prevail unlike the fresher’s terrible performance in 'the lashes' or Jezz Williams' hair on fines night (the most anticipated moment of the season).

On a another note if anyone sees a certain VPSH candidate this correspondent urges you to egg her. There will be £20 in there from me if multiple hits to the vagina occur. – An odd fantasy from Sterling.

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Woeful Bristol allow relegation hopefuls, ECV, unexpected victory

11 March 2013 at 21:27

UoB 1XI vs. ECV Hornets

Date: 16/02/13

Result: 2-5



The Bristol team were warmly greeted to the pitch by the umpires, who declared that any player found urinating near the pitch would receive a straight red. A glaring sun and a sticky, slow pitch made conditions testing, although Bristol didn’t help themselves by only implementing a brief warm-up. This was in contrast to the Hornets, who completed an extensive one, and were fired up due to their relegation battle.


Bristol could have done with some of this purpose, starting the match in a lacklustre and lethargic manner. This was despite a win here making the possibility of winning the league all the more real. An early short corner was surprisingly won by Bristol, but wasn’t converted, which was ensued by some defensive howlers opening the floodgates. The press wasn’t effective and coupled with some jaded marking, scything balls from the Hornets centre back opened up the Bristol defence. Within 20 minutes Bristol were 4-0 down.


At the other end, the situation wasn’t much better. A couple of back-post stinkers from this reporter rightly won him his first DoD for the season. Eventually though, on the stroke of half time, a short corner was earned and the Dave Bates “banker” meant there was some cause for optimism at half time.


The second half saw an improvement from Bristol, but it wasn’t enough to overhaul the deficit. Bristol had the majority of the possession, but could only put away one scrappy goal. This was shortly followed by another Hornets goal. For the last 10 minutes Bristol were camped in the Hornets half, employed kamikaze hockey tactics by substituting the goalkeeper for an outfield player, and won 4 short corners, but could not alter the score line.


This capped off a frustrating and disappointing match, with full fines for all concerned. Bristol would have to up their game drastically to roll over Durham on the following Monday at Fortress Dingle.


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Bates sees red as Bristol smash bitter rivals

11 March 2013 at 21:13

Bristol Uni vs Robinsons (H) 3 -2 win

Like the vast majority of local derbies, (a few small ones spring to mind - Utd vs Liverpool, Arsenal Tottenham and the odd El Classico) in which the epic Bristol University took on the rather less impressive Robinsons, a fiesty match was to be expected. Entertaining to the last, the game provided 5 goals amongst many thousands of yellows and oddly enough a red..

After Bristol had completed their typical wayward first 5 mins they duly stepped up the tempo and started to take the game to the lacklustre Robinsons team who were really  struggling to create much going forward. Off the back of a broken down Robbies attack Bristol broke with vigour firing the ball up the line for Walters who slid to keep the ball in play and laid it off for Arthur. He, as we have been training all season to do, smashed the ball in, fizzing it across the D at ankle height. Although it looked to be heading out Blobby arrived from nowhere to deflect into the corner with his reverse stick. Goal of the month tonight's MOTD2 to find out.

Following on from this goal Bristol continued to pile on the pressure and it led to some rather reckless challenging from the Robbies forwards giving the first yellow card of the day. The umpire's ambition of completing his personal traffic light routine was just beginning...Both sides had few chances with minimal D entries although that didn't stop the flow of yellows with one now for Bristol leading up to half time leaving the score at 1-0 Bristol.

After the "motivational" half time team talk Bristol wanted to assert their authority on the match but a slight lack of concentration cost them as Robbies somehow managed to find 2 goals - 1 of which came after another a yellow card for Bristol. The match then continued to be blighted by horrific challenges that resulted in yet more cards for both sides with the game being played 9 v 10 in Robbies favour at one point after Bates got a yellow for "breaking down play" in the opponents own 22. Even with a man deficit Bristol wanted to grab that crucial next goal and they managed that by converting another break away with Bates getting the last touch having returned from the sin bin. With the match approaching the last 10 minutes both sides wanted a winner to get one over the local rival. This led to a end to end hockey with both sides creating chances on the break but unable to convert even with the numbers back up to 11 a side. That was until Walters lightly touched their CB resulting in probably his first ever yellow? Down to 10 Bristol still pushed on and managed to break once again with the ball being fired into the back post which was just intercepted by their keeper before it could reach Scotty. However the keeper didn't have time to clear properly as it fell nicely to Bates who punched the ball over the floundering Darroch to take the deserved lead. Full Time*. That ends the weekend with Bristol gaining a well deserved 6 points and a welcome round of beers from Ian.


*It may be worth noting in the 1 minute that was left after that winning goal Bates received a dubious second yellow  allowing the umpire to complete his set with a rouge to end the match.


**Yes Bates did walk into a lamppost the day before Brown, but you still deserved 69 - although Brown was right that he couldn't escape it against Robinsons - due to his clean sweep of cards, he did also got MoM not Brown.

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Cardiff gunned down as Bristol continue run of form

11 March 2013 at 21:07

Bristol Uni 1s vs. Cardiff Uni 1s


After 8 wins form the last 10 matches, it was safe to say we were in as good a form as Meg Gardner’s conquest rate on Wednesday nights. That being said Cardiff had beaten Exeter C’s 7-0 on the Wednesday just gone, but someone else beat Bath 1’s 3-1, so comparing our form to theirs is like comparing a Just for Men hair dye picture and the actual result that Sidney gets.


In November we had scrapped out a 2-1 away win and didn’t want to be faced with a similar game this time at fortress Dingle. However, similar to the last time we faced them, we managed an early score; in our own goal. Then again we are Bristol Uni; why play hockey if it’s going to be an easy game? That being said we managed to pick ourselves up and start running at full speed quicker then Eugene changes the subject about his “big” night on Thursday and quickly netted an equaliser from Eugene then took the lead through Arthur.


We took the initiative and began to play around the near static, Welsh press and after working the ball to both wings created time and space for Josh Moore who duly swung for the ball, unfortunately his imaginary magical unicorn horn got in his vision and he missed it. All was not lost as “69” flashed in his vision as Ben “I only scored one touch goals” Walters first time reversed the ball over the goal keeper, off the inside of the post and into the goal. Arthur added a forth after bulldozering his way into the D and using a Cardiff stick to put the ball past the keeper. The half ended 4-1 Bristol.


After a positive, halftime team talked we walked back onto the pitch with smiles and jokes; also with no apparent focus. We quickly were pinned back and Cardiff squandered multiple chances the most notable were the open goal miss due to the forward developing “Darrocheyetus” and somehow deflecting the ball not into the goal but into his own face. The other being a penalty flick which came from a half-stop by Gardner deflecting up into Phildog on the line, the flick hit the outside of the post and our response was summed up by Matt Poole “Ha”.


After this one sided start to the half, we once again picked ourselves up, much like Browner has to when he realises that he doesn’t remember yet another social past 48. We began to implement the training routine we used at the Friday night training session. Well let me talk you through it (names may not be accurate):

1.    We survived a short corner scare, and the ball was fired out to Scott on the left wing about the half way line

2.    He first time passes the ball down the line, better the Gregory ever did.

3.    The ball was collected and then fired across to the right wing to Matt Poole

4.    He then fires the ball into Ben Walters’ T-spot lead who squares the ball to the top of the circle

5.    The keeper then makes a good stop but loops the ball away to his left hand side

6.    Ben Walters who has continued his run follows up with a diving, midair deflection which nestles the ball into the now empty goal.

7.    #pleasesaywegotthatonvideo


We then conceded a distinctly average 2 goals not worthy of mention really. Also at no point did I attempt to make a diving interception and miss looking like a beached turtle, the claims of the entire team that I did are more scandalous then the fact that Archie “bomber-birthday-boy” Stirling escaped DoD today for his shocking pregame behaviour and many other reasons, but I’m not bitter


Overall another good 3 points and this brings us 3 points closer to ISCA who must be worried by our current form and the number of games we have in hand.

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Tarn Huxford attends Pokemon Convention as UBMHC lose in Oxford

11 March 2013 at 20:48

On a very cold Wednesday afternoon in Oxford, the 1st XI were left feeling hard done by following a decision the likes of which has not been seen since the Mexican summer of 1986.  Back in 1986 the English football team were on the wrong side of a highly debatable refereeing decisions in football.  In 2012 the 1st XI were on the wrong side of what can only be described as a highly contorversial umpiring decision.

An early start due in no small part to 5 members of the lacrosse 1st team allowed Dave Bates to get on with his Wind and Marine Power coursework, Matt “Phildog” Phillips to attempt to defeat the Carthaginians, Tarn Huxford to be finally defeated by gravity, and Arthur Mitchell to demonstrate a Nadal-esq cutting edge in reaching the final of the first annual UBMHC tennis-hockey tournament.

Having conceded two early goals – one of which goalkeeper James Bailey later described as “an incredible piece of skill. Right-on” – the boys stepped up to the plate.  A ridiculously precise hit from Dave Bates after some excellent skill from Eugene Malthouse pulled the game back to 2-1.  With their tails up, the boys finally scored a goal at the far post.  Josh Moore played an amazing pass and Arthur Mitchell used all of this shooting practice to slot the ball through the keeper’s legs.

The 1st XI really needed a win after doing especially badly in the BUCS league thus far, but this was looking less likely as Oxford decided to score again. 3-2 to the other lot.  Not to be held down though, Eugene Malthouse continued to live up to his promises to not score from drag-flicks but followed in nicely with a good strike for 3-3.

During the second-half both George Brown and Arthur “axe-murderer” Mitchell decided they had had enough time on the pitch.  Unfortunately for the team neither substituted themselves, instead opting for a time-out thanks to the umpire’s yellow card.  Moments before the enforced absence of Arthur Mitchell, the team were subject to what has already been described as a highly controversial umpiring decision.

As Dave Bates controlled the ball in the ‘D’ he was unceremoniously assaulted by the goalkeeper resulting in a penalty flick being awarded.  Despite the clear evidence to the contrary, namely no complaints by the Oxford goalkeeper, the other umpire (fully 50 yards away) decided to overturn the decision and give a free-hit to Oxford.

As happens in sport, Oxford went up the other end, scored (4-3), and held out for victory.  A less common occurrence in sport came after the final whistle as the umpires agreed they had made a terrible mistake with the flick.  Unfortunately no change could be made to the score-line and Bristol got back on the coach knowing they must pick up points in all remaining games.

MoM: Dave Bates

DoD: Arthur Mitchell

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Bristol Uni A vs Gloucester City

03 March 2013 at 17:50

For around twenty-five minutes at the previous evening’s training, Will Summers practised throwing aerials. “Boys!” he boasted afterwards, “I can chuck it about forty yards now! This is going to be such a good weapon!” While the majority of the second team have grown weary of their captain’s remarks, often ignoring him entirely, these were ominous words. Less than twenty-four hours later, and two minutes into a must-win game against third placed Gloucester City, the Bristol captain decided to unleash his weapon. With Gloucester pressing high up the pitch, Summers mustered all his strength to launch the ball from danger. He failed. Completely.  At its peak, the ball travelled no more than twelve centimetres from the Dingle turf and was propelled so feebly that it barely reached the opposing team’s centre forward. The Gloucester man took a step into the D and dispatched the ball into the bottom corner. “Wow, that guy’s shit”, one Gloucester player commented. He is, indeed. Summers’ error set the tone for a bleak first-half performance. Fresher Pete, who is remarkably big, decided that today was the day he would pass the ball as much as possible to the opposing team. This, he did impressively and Gloucester spent a lot of time scoring goals. In other first-half news, Sam Woodhead got several cards, and Dom Oliver started throwing his stick and rolling on the floor. This sounds very strange. It was.  In spite of reverse stick shooting in Friday’s training that convinced all in attendance that Matthew Shelley had put recent ability related issues behind him, the Bristol forward’s efforts on Saturday raised further, uncomfortable questions. Aware that Mr Shelley has come under attack in recent reports, I do not think it would be wise to analyse each error that was made: in short, then, his performance on Saturday was to hockey as the ASS Library is to European architecture: disappointing.Dom’s half-time team talk was notably stern. He was clearly unhappy, and he swore a lot. A lone, middle-aged woman in attendance at Dingle took offence to this, and she left. Notably, there were no half-time jelly babies, which was probably the fault of Max Dutton.The opening three minutes of the second-half were unusual. After a flowing move down the right-hand side, Alex Gamble found himself a yard from goal. He scored. This sounds very simple but for a player who has really struggled to do anything well at all this season, this was a fantastic moment. Then, an Oliver-Nuttall one-two cut through the Gloucester defence and the opposing full-back brought down the Bristol coach. A yellow card was brandished and Bristol, sensing something extraordinary, began to play with a determination and composure that they had lacked in the first period. This season, though, the 2s have proven themselves masters of being unable to capitalise on momentum swings. This, they did again on Saturday and failed to convert a string of short corners. Although CMD nicked one goal, Gloucester cruised to a 5-2 victory. Credit must go to Rich Nuttall. He played very well. Particularly impressive was his passing. Jesus, he passed well. 

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