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Archive For 'November, 2013'

Bristol run Bath close

28 November 2013 at 10:59

On a blustery Movember Wednesday the Bristol 1st
XI made the relatively short yet exceptionally tedious journey to Bath. We
arrived in good time, however Bath had not for-seen that we might be driving,
and so with an hour to go our 5 cars could all be found doing laps of the Bath
campus weighing up the pros and cons of the tempting “permit holders only” section.  Pre match DOD CMD was looking particularly
smug with his decision not to read the team sheet e-mail, as the rest of the
team had to change in a hurry while he was able to sit and think about what
life would be like using Tarn’s spare stick as he had forgotten his own.

Anyway, after a very late decision to water the pitch at the
time of push back the game got underway. Both teams came out firing. After a
sustained period of experimentation Bristol have found that they play their
best hockey when coming from behind, and therefore decided that today we needed
them to score early to give us as much time to play our best hockey as
possible. Bath fell straight into the trap going 1-0 up from a well worked
attack. We nearly overcooked it when a Bath short corner was flicked low and
deflected up, however after consultation the umpires deemed that this was done
so illegally so it stayed 1-0. Bristol built into the game and played some
really nice hockey, knocking the ball around well, however, we couldn’t find a
way through, and it was Bath who scored next. A skilful combination of
anti-skill and stick blocking from the German import won Bath a short corner,
which was duly dispatched top left, later leading Freddie to wonder why FedEx
didn’t wear it rather than let them score. Bristol continued to threaten, until
eventually Jordan forced them to kick it on the line, PS awarded. After much
deliberation we decided that our number one flick taker should take the flick
despite the fact that he was on the bench. Matt Poole went where always does,
(location undisclosed so that any spies reading this won’t be able to work him
out) the keeper went the other way, 2-1.

In the second half Bristol took the ascendancy but sadly
could not convert a barrage of chances, the score remained 2-1 despite balls
whizzing past either post, or in fact in the case of one memorable 2 on 1 over
the bar. Both sides were looking threatening and it was evident that one team
would score soon; sadly it was Bath who went 3-1 up. Bristol then hit back
quickly to make it 3-2, I think it was Jordan but I could be wrong.  This lead to a tense final 6 minutes in which
Bristol really went for it and Bath were reduced to chucking it away from 16
after 16, a novel situation for Bristol who sadly could not take advantage of
the pressure under which Bath found themselves.

After the match Bristol were left wondering how many more
times they could say that they felt they’d played the better hockey but hadn’t
won, it can’t be too many more, can it.


p.s. for those wondering; they won 11-0, not sure I was

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3s go 8 points clear in BUCS

26 November 2013 at 17:00

Bristol went into the Swansea 3s fixture expecting a walk in the park after a comprehensive victory over Swansea 2s the week before. This however, was not to be the case, as a determined and hard-working Swansea team turned up to the first Dingle game of the season for the Bristol 3s.

Bristol undertook their usual thorough Wednesday warm up and felt prepared for the task at hand. The game pushed back, and within the first 5 minutes an easy opportunity was missed when I decided to slam the ball into the keeper’s pads as opposed to sliding it into the awaiting goal. A fairly tame first half followed, with the only notable incident occurring when a ball was slipped into the D for a lovely deflection by the debutant Matt Collins to slide over the line. Bristol 1-0. Or so we thought. The umpire gave a free hit to Swansea due to Collins’ phantom rough housing. The first half ended 0-0.

After a deserved rollocking from Stephens and Deeyam at half time, the Bristol boys decided to play some proper hockey. An early short come corner was won and the ball dispatched with a classic drag flick into the bottom corner by yours truly. This was followed by a quick shot in the D by shandy taking a huge deflection and nestling in the side netting. 2-0 Bristol. Some good work by the midfield led to the third goal with the ball being nicked off the keepers toes by Collins, allowing my goal tally for the game to be doubled. After a final ten minutes of possession by Bristol, with the ball stuck completely in the Swansea half. A last minute short corner was won. This led to the winning of a penalty stroke when the drag flick heading just past the right post was deflected onto a Swansea players foot onto the line.

Now this penalty stroke should be analysed in more detail. Considering I myself was on 2 goals, and as a renowned stroke taker, it would be assumed I wouldn’t have had to argue to take the flick. Oz Turnbull disagreed, and got quite upset when I snatched the ball off of him, and told him to go away. The final whistle then blew, allowing both teams to set up a huddle and watch in anticipation as to who was going to win this epic battle. A loud mouth plastic scouser who people can only just about tolerate, or some guy who keeps goal for Swansea. From a personal point of view, I definitely think more than half the people on the pitch wanted the keeper to win. With this being said, I added to the event by checking the top corners of the goal, turning to ask the crowd which corner the felt I should aim for. Unsurprisingly, this was met by shouts of soixante-neuf. I quickly realised my fate had already been sealed. Throwing the ball (generally) top left, the keeper got a slight touch, but to no avail.

A hard fought contest in the end. Matt Collins was awarded a debut Man of the Match, and after a recount, I was awarded the 3rd team Dod, which may as well be called the Josh Bryce award from now on.

To summarise.

Bristol 4. Swansea 0. Bryce Hat-trick. Bryce DoD. Matt Collins MoM

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Ladies 1s day trip to Cambridge

25 November 2013 at 17:32

Our Wednesday BUCS match to Cambridge, was, as usual, a long one, and overall not as satisfying as we'd hoped it would be.

Firstly, we've been downgraded from a coach to a minibus, and not even GKs minibus of fun might I add. Also, I may just be speaking for myself here but my journey to the union to catch said minibus was horrendous as I trudged from uni to the ridiculously located union (whose union is that far away from the actual uni?!?) in a downpour with all my stuff for our day trip.

Anyway, excitement mounted as we got aboard the minibus, where the main topic of discussion revolved around seen Parge again and puggles (NB: someone needs to get Harri atleast one of these or else I'm not sure she is ever going to be satisfied with life).

The bad weather followed us from Bristol all the way to Cambridge, I personally didn't know weather could travel that fast but it can...I'm certain it was hailing for a short period of play as well as raining for the entire match.

It's safe to say Cambridge were better than we expected; obviously more of them had sacked off their Wednesday lectures than normal (they have lectures on a Wednesday which is why they ware SO superior a uni to Bristol - SNORE). At half time we were drawing 0-0 and we decided to 'step it up', oh, but not until they scored first and we realised we'd done just the opposite. After several chances we managed to pop in a short corner rebound - my first and bprobably last goal of the season. I'm almost 100% sure Parge shouted "I'm proud of you" from the sideline but it's unconfirmed...(love you Parge!!). After more painfully close chances (classic us), we only managed to come away with a 1-1 draw.

The bus trip back was very enthusiastic. Unfortunately captain Cat Melville had had ALL the fun last social and wasn't having any of the fun again, but after about 4 hours the rest of us had managed to consume many bottles of cider/wine and Ali (winky) had sunk her juice and 4.

Fresher Rachel, either peeing or unconscious, made the end of the journey particularly enjoyable...that's 2 away games out of 2 Rachel, congrats. Special shout out to fresher Martha who made it to Bunker - other freshers take note.

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UBLHC Poet Preston on 1s Victory over Newquay

25 November 2013 at 15:52

An acrostic poem by Lucy Preston:

In the bleak mid-November
Lovers of hockey we were
One goal in before they were ready
Very strong defence to keep us steady
Every goal that we scored
Until we got bored
Blew them away
Lithely we did play
Happy team that we shine

Claim goals numbering nine

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3-1 win for 3s as good form continues

17 November 2013 at 23:40

After some jolly reminiscing about Wednesday’s adventures and some half-hearted efforts to claim the good pitch from wockey, the game began. Bristol started in characteristically sluggish fashion, as is our proud tradition on Saturdays, but it was clear that anything other than a win would be as disappointing as Deeyam’s boozing on Wednesday. The game was a drab 0-0 at half-time, but with some wise words from Josh Moore and vital jellified nutrition, Bristol started the second half with a new sense of purpose. As pressure built, a nothing ball fell to Rufus ‘100%-in-my-exam-on-Thursday-or-death’ Roy, which he somehow reverse hit into the bottom right hand corner. Choruses of ‘that was quite good’ rang out from the jubilant substitutes. I have no idea what order the next two goals came in but a Josh Bryce drag flick from a short (or PC as he likes to call them) and a very cheeky near post push from the aforementioned Roy took the game to 3-0 Bristol. Then Mid Somerset had a short corner and the guy drag flicked it into the top right corner, no one really knows how. Then there was a bit of handbags between the opposition and the youthful Bristol umpires, who remained unfazed by the occasion. Not even a limp post-game handshake from a disgruntled Somerset teen could get Chris Wilson down. I should also mention that Farquhar produced a fine bit of entertainment by effectively nutting the pitch as he fell in the D, but he brushed himself off and produced a man of the match performance with characteristic work-rate, and fine roll-outs. Dick went to myself for a fairly unsavoury 5 minutes of play; as Josh Moore eloquently put, ‘everything I touched, turned to (insert faecal synonym)’. The particular dickworthy incident involved a tragic attempt at a slap on the run which involved no stick-on-ball contact and hearty cheers of “SOIXANTE NEUF!” ringing in my head.

Man of the Match: Mikey Farquhar Author and Dick of the day: Matt King

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3s' 100% record takes them clear in BUCS table

17 November 2013 at 23:38

4 Wins out of 4 put Bristol at the top of the table, a place they wanted to keep. After a length wait at the union thanks to Ben Steel thinking his course is more important than Hockey, the team set off in good spirits for the upcoming fixture. 


We arrived with plenty of time, allowing a thorough warm up to take place. This paid off, as Bristol scored 2 quick goals thanks to a short corner deflection by Oz Turnbull and a quick counter finished by yours truly. Archie Lipyeat rounded off the first halfs scoring by embarrassing the keeper at his near post. First half finished 3-0.


The second half was fairly quiet, with a further 2 goals added by freshers Tom Wilson and Fergus Black. The game finished 5-0 with Bristol feeling slightly aggrieved that the margin wasn’t greater.


Man of the Match went to Greg Foord who cut out any lose balls at the back. DoD was between Johnny Barton for rolling the ball to their centre forward with 30 seconds left of the first half and myself for being annoyed we only won 5-0. A happy meal nail off was the challenge of choice. I couldn’t repeat my heroics that conquered Pelmore weeks before, and as such, I am sat here writing the report. 


The final game of this half of the BUCS league takes place next week against Swansea 3’s, with Bristol competing in their first home BUCS game of the season. Double figures is expected gents.


I doubt this shall be my last,


Josh Bryce

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Jameson writes another match report as 3s lose 4-3 to Y&Sh

17 November 2013 at 23:35

With the BUCS push for promotion well and truly running, with our 3 0 0 start to the season and some points on the board in theSaturday league. The team now scoring for fun (12 in last 3 games before today), thanks somewhat to Josh Bryce turning strong performances into scoring ones with 6 goals in his last 5 games.


We welcomed Yeovil and Sherbourne to the Fortress of Dreams (no I don’t support united) that is Coombe Dingle, and again quickly found out we were on the Shastro. It didn’t stop a short and sharp warm-up as soon as we got onto the pitch.  The game started and we found ourselves on the receiving end of quite a lot of early pressure, partly down to the 3 at the back formation played by Y & S which left us slightly crowded out in the middle of the park. However as the opening stages transformed into the peak of the first half, we settled down and started to play our quick getting forward hockey and we took the lead. A quick counter; via a pass up to Fergus, and a neat inside ball to Wilson and a solid finish, saw us take a 1 0 lead. However this was short lived we soon found the scores level. This did not break us though, instead we pilled on the pressure, Rufus Roy found himself in the D with acres of space and showed great composure in picking is spot right between the keepers legs, who kindly opened them for him to allow the ball in (shame the women aren’t so kind Rufus…), However once again we did not take control with our lead, and were pegged back to 2 2 through a sharp counter attack from Y & S.  This I believe is how it remained until half time? 


It was a sad day for us, our team talk for the first time while I have played for the 3’s was not lead by Deeyam, instead some wise words from Mr Turnbull were in order. Strong words they were, but unfortunately we were not able to execute as strongly as he (and we) would of all hoped. Their small playmaker who sat in front of the back 3 showed real class throughout the game, but particularly in the second half he started to take control, each time receiving the ball showing a neat bit of skill and getting the ball forward and into spaces. As we started to tire they showed more and more efficiency in distribution and scored 2 more goals to leave us 4 2 down with not long left on the clock. This is when Bryce continued the scoring run to give us a glimmer of hope, 4 3 down…but unfortunately as we pilled on the pressure they were well and truly Saved by the Bell. 


I must congratulate Ben Steel on his MoM performance, a true warrior who inspires confidence, yet calmness in those around him, so well done Ben. Like Fresher Wilson, I keep on finding myself with reason enough to be named dick of the day. So I must do better. And I to find it hard to believe there will not be more to come. So Until next time….




Fresher George Jameson.

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1s draw away at Whitchurch, enjoyable match report follows

17 November 2013 at 23:30

The in-form Bristol Badgers side, which desperately needed some Saturday league points, had the tough prospect of facing 2nd in the league side Whitchurch on Saturday morning. The Bristol Bisons, who where practically giddy at the prospect of another 16-2 victory over Captain Welsh?s first choice club, were re-joined by their Centre Midfield Dynamo (CMD), Max ?Happy as a button? Dutton who had missed training after his last bout of autism had left him cowering in Patricia?s layer, muttering his A-level tutee?s maths equations. The Bristol Buffalos, who had recently worked out that good hockey x 70 minutes ? X number of opposition goals in the first 10 minutes = a better performance, started well. Possession oozed, chances came and went as quickly as Potatoes? modelling career and some particularly delightful deliveries from FedEx summed up what was, overall, a fantastic performance from all the Bristol Bulldogs. The sum of these meant that, just for a moment, we looked like we might actually take the first goal. However this was not to be, and a series of unfortunate events, including a very unusual and extremely rare back post pass from Hustler Dawg J, left the Bristol Beetles 1-0 down. Being behind was familiar territory for the Bristol Bengal Tigers and so everyone, except fresher Jack Britvic Filter who constantly has a look of perplexed worry smeared across his face, kept calm and very few doubted our inevitable return to form. Some inspirational words at half time from the Stig (#Banter #Heneverbloodytalks) must have touched home with the Bristol Bee?s (excluding Max ?Merry and gay? Dutton who doesn?t feel comfortable in social situations) as the second half led to even more oozing of possession and even more chances. Then Whitchurch scored again. Again the Bristol Bears pushed on, with possession still oozing and chances cropping up upon occasion. Special mention must go to Max ?Overjoyed? Dutton (Special being an appropriate word to use in his case)* who decided not to tap in a fantastic reverse stick strike from Tarn Tarn, that had managed to nestle itself in a divot on the line. Some say he was trying not to be Tarn by stealing Tarn Tarn?s goal. Eventually however after much oozing of possession and many-a-chance going by, a goal came for the Bristol Border Collies when the Bristol Box Jelly Fish?s forward line won a short corner that was then upgraded as the stig tucked away a fantastic deflection from Tarn Arthur Mitchell?s shit shot. At this point Alun Welsh tarnlessly decided to go on a fantastic dribble up the left hand side of the pitch, beating practically all of their players before being unduly violated by their centre back, who was shit. Despite this play breaking down, the chance it created and the ooze of possession that it produced was pretty much the sole facilitator in delivering the Bristol Baboons equalizer. However Arthur Mitchell, who was quoted as saying ?That was some of the best hockey I have ever played in my whole life, I mean I took it round two players, passed it to FedEx, got it back off FedEx, beat ANOTHER man, before hitting a perfect ball into Tarn for the goal,? may dispute this. Either way we were at 2-2 and as the oozing started to slow and the chances began to fade, the game came to a fairly uneventful and unmemorable close. In summary, the Bristol Beavers came away happy with a point, but upon reflection, the amount of possession ooze there was and the countless chances that we did create, suggests it should have been more. Sole searching questions are to be asked of all the Bristol Black Widow Spiders if we are to regain a position near the top of the table: Should I be a roasted, new or baked? What varnish shall I use on my peg leg? And, most prudently, why the fuck would I leave my bedroom door open, my light on and invite someone in, when I?m having a wank? MOM ? Can?t remember DOD ? Tarn

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Top of the Table Clash against Exeter

17 November 2013 at 17:35

The Ladies 1s faced BUCS league leaders Exeter with the winners going top of the Premier South. We arrived with 25 minutes to spare due a dodgy bus driver who stopped for a 20 minute fag break and didn’t even drop us off at the pitch. After an extremely quick change and warm up, the match started. The first half was rather uneventful with both teams having an even share of the possession. Near the end of the half I got yellow carded for doing absolutely nothing and I enjoyed a 5 minute break on the sideline.

In the second half Exeter made a number of threatening attacks but our defense held them off exceptionally well, with no short corners being conceded throughout the whole match. However, with 10 minutes to go Exeter caught us on the counter and scored. Bristol increased their intensity but unfortunately could not score, leaving the final score 1-0 to Exeter and bringing an end to our enbeaten record.


Chwaraewraig y gem: Rhian Richardson

Pidyn y diwrnod: Fresher Rachel  (AGAIN)

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Lucy Preston: "The Hill is high"

17 November 2013 at 11:19

Sung to the theme tune of Atomic Kitten's "The Tide is high":


The hill is high
But GK’s holding on
She deserves shirt number one
We’re not the kinda girls
Who give up just like that (Oh no)


It's not the goals we score
That tease and hurt teams bad
But it's the way we hold their sticks
And push them off
We’re not the kinda girls
Who give up just like that
*Oh no*


The match was tough
But we’re holding on
Rachel scored goal number one
Ali went reverse
To our surprise Goal number 2 was the prize

Go-al threeeee
Go-al foooooour


Every girl wants To be a sloth
And when you score it’s movement you doth
Preston’s the kinda girl
Who does just that
Oh no


The enthusiasm is high
When we’re going home
Listening to every number one
GK’s grooves Kept us going on
The jack-knife was particularly fun


Go-al fiiiiiive
Go-al siiiiiix


Every time that we get
The ball
The pitch ensures
That we fall
Every time that we
It makes sure that
There’s blood
But you know that
I'm gonna take
My chance now
'm gonna make
It happen somehow
And you know I can
Take the pressure
A moment's pain for
A lifetime pleasure


Every girl wants to play hockey
We have too much fun
On the mini-bus
We’re the kinda girls
Who sing the whole way back
Oh no


The mood is high
But we’re holding on
Even though the bus is almost gone
The bus is jack-knifed
And we’re screaming loud
GK pulled away and we’re very proud


Lucy Preston (sloth)


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